Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Mall Hallway Genius Vortex

I make no excuses for my feelings towards Apple. I've long been convinced that the company as a whole hates it's customers. Time bombing their own hardware to force their fan base into upgrading as often as possible, the customer experience, the pricing, the elitism, and all of the other hooey bug me. 

Are my feelings justified? Maybe not - but most of what I write about is observational anyway, and as long as I perceive it, I may as well write about it. 

So, last week I reserved an appointment with a Genius to take a look at a thunderbolt display that has been causing problems at the office. It was in for repair early last year, but started developing new and exciting problems several months ago. Since the support structure at Apple requires that I work around their schedule, this was the first chance I had to bring it in. The appointment was yesterday, and today you get to read about it.

"Welcome, disgusting imp"
Disappointingly, the screen decided that the 1/3rd mile walk from the edge of the parking lot to the Apple store and 15 minute wait in line to tell the guy with the tablet that I was there for an appointment was all the repair it needed. The Genius couldn't replicate the symptoms, which is not his fault. I guess the display just wanted to get some sun and feel like someone cared about it.

As a side note, the image on the right greeted me as I entered the mall. I think these mall marketing folks need to reconsider their approach. The couple in this image are not saying "Welcome! It's great to see you! Come on into this mall and buy stuff!", they are saying "Welcome infinity Simon.". The male model in the picture is about to cry because of something the girl model said to him before the shutter was snapped.  

I jokingly mentioned the harsh walk to the Apple dude who laughed and offered to walk the screen to the back door so I could just drive around and pick it up. 

It took a moment for me to get past the fact that an Apple employee was willing to do this for ME, a lowly peasant! 

After I put the guy down from what he described as the most awkwardly intimate hug he had ever experienced, I shook his hand and said I would grab my car and be at the back door in 5 minutes. Then I confirmed the location of the door, specifically confirming that it was the same door that Microsoft (next door) used to exit the building since I knew they shared a hallway. 

"Yeah, that's the one! I'll bring it right out!" 

"I'm full of joy, you disgusting imp."
Wow - Just like the girl in this other picture that mall marketing thought just screamed "She found it and loved it" - I was giddy!

I got the car and drove around to the exit, parked, and waited. And waited. 

And... waited.

20 minutes of waiting later a Microsoft employee walked out to smoke her cigarette. I asked her if she happened to bump into a nice Apple guy holding a 30lb computer screen. She hadn't, but she was very eager to go find him for me. She went back into the mall, never to be seen again. Apparently she'd been sucked into the same spacetime rip as my monitor. 

I finally became frustrated enough to find another parking spot and walked back into the mall. 

I waited in line again and asked the appointment dude where other dude had gone with my monitor, and could he please make sure that other dude knew I was waiting for him outside? He walked to the back and returned a moment later to tell me that yes, it was back there, and yes, they were waiting on me to drive back around this time. He also told me about the door bell that had thus far not existed. 

Oh, I thought, how silly of me, it is my fault for not pressing the door bell button that I didn't know about. I felt bad. 

So I walked back out, got my car, drove back to the exit door, and rang the doorbell. 

And waited. 

No one came, so I shimmied my finger into the partially opened door and pulled it open. Inside was a large hallway and other doors leading into mall shops. I picked one and rang the doorbell for that door. INSTANTLY a Microsoft employee appeared. After apologizing and asking for directions to the Apple back door I walked down the hall. 

Noting the distinct lack of a doorbell on the Apple door, I knocked. A young lady appeared, asking how she could help me. "You have my thunderbolt display!" I exclaimed, excited to have finally solved the puzzle. She ducked back into the room for a minute and then returned to tell me that no, she did not have my screen. 

I told her my story. She sympathized. She told me she would find out what was going on and ran through another door towards the front of the Apple store. Several minutes passed. She did not return. 

Another man popped out of the same door. Surprised to see me, he asked if he could help me find something.


"You have my thunderbolt display!" I exclaimed, excited to have finally solved the puzzle. He ducked back into the room for a minute and then returned to tell me that no, he did not have my screen. 


I told him my story. He sympathized. He told me He would find out what was going on and ran out another door towards the front of the Apple store. Several minutes passed. He did not return. 

A THIRD MAN popped out of the same door. Surprised to see me, HE asked if he could help me find something.


"You have my thunderbolt display!" I exclaimed, excited to have finally solved the puzzle. HE ducked back into the room for a minute and then returned to tell me that no, he did not have my screen. 


I told him my story, and he sympathized. HE told me HE would find out what was going on and ran out another door towards the front of the Apple store. Several minutes passed. HE did not return.

After nearly an hour of playing Marco Polo with apple employees, the doorbell-less back room apple girl returned with great news! I had come to the wrong 'rear entry of the apple store that shares a hallway with Microsoft and has a doorbell' and my screen was waiting anxiously for me just 100 feet away from that rear entry at the other rear entry of the apple store that shares a hallway with Microsoft and has a doorbell!
"Show me infinity Simon, you disgusting imp."

"Show me." I said in the tone of the girl in this picture.

She walked me out and pointed down the length of the building where, indeed, there were other geniuses waving excitedly. 

I walked over, threw the geniuses a couple of doggy treats, patted them on their heads, took my screen, and walked back to my car laughing at the paralleled irony of how something marketed as a simple time saving solution became so complex while at of all places, an Apple store. 

5 comments:

  1. Our door definitely has a bell and if should you ring it you will be instantly greeted with a cup of coffee and anything else you need EXCEPT an Apple product :-)!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I had thought, up until now, that hell was a Holiday Inn room without aircon, room service ot running water, but I have now upgraded my understanding of this eschatological truth. I now clearly understand that it is an Apple store!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I had thought, up until now, that hell was a Holiday Inn room without aircon, room service ot running water, but I have now upgraded my understanding of this eschatological truth. I now clearly understand that it is an Apple store!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Here's one better: Imagine trying to leave your room at the Holiday Inn to find some running water. You open the door to leave only to step into an Apple store where the hallway should be.

      Delete

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