Vacation Stories 2: Selfie Stick

"YOLO"

Here's another story from our recent family vacation!

Wife and I were laying (frying) under the afternoon sun in the thinner atmosphere of the gorgeous Blue Ridge mountains while the kids played in the pool. I freely admit that my arrogance as a Floridian left me unprepared for how intense the sun can be at higher elevations without Florida's trademark "sticky" air. It was like showering in a microwave until the breeze rolled in, which was lovely.

The lifeguards blew their whistles shortly after we arrived at around 10 to the hour, instructing the kids to get out of the pool. This confused us. This is not normal.

People go to resort pools specifically so that their children will burn off all excess energy that would otherwise be burned off later in the day by exhausting the parents. It's why resort pools exist. It's the only reason.

I found (startled) the rec center front desk guy outside the entrance to the building taking full advantage of a quiet moment to vape from a large inhaler type device. He was maybe 17 years old, and definitely doesn't have more stress than I do, so I questioned him about the path his life has been on that drove him to purchasing a large nicotine delivery device when he's only old enough to worry about whether she'll say yes when he asks her to go to the school hoedown, or whatever kids do in rural Virginia these days. 

Just kidding! I asked him why the life guards kicked the kids out of the pool. The answer: so the grown ups can swim alone for a few minutes each hour.

Huh? 

I returned to the pool deck area to find that indeed, the kids were all standing awkward and bored around the pool while about 100 pasty, overweight northerners slow danced (ground on each other like wild monkeys) to Moonlight Serenade (She thinks my tractor's sexy).

I complained.

While the kids where out of the pool during their mandatory let the grown ups teach you new things time I noticed something even more soul crushing than the dead lady at the top of the mountain: A Selfie Stick. 

There was a group of four girls, the oldest was probably about twelve, all wearing skimpy bikinis, with individual iPhones, and armed with a selfie stick. 

They spent the better part of 10 minutes taking turns with the selfie stick, chests pushed forward, duck facing, throwing sideways peace signs, and doing their darndest to emulate the "sexy" poses made famous by all american symbols of purity and worthy living, The Kardashian Sisters. 

The pictures where undoubtedly published to social media for public consumption. It was sad.

I know it's expected for some reason that our daughters advertise themselves as objects before they ever "hit the market", but I've actually heard parents justify such behavior by saying it's harmless, or that's just how modern kids act, it's what they see on TV.

First of all, NO. Yes, We, the parents should have a handle on what our kids consume, which is another tired re-hashed argument that has existed forever, so I won't touch that, but it did make me ask myself this question:

How far off course are we as a society, as humans, when four pre-pubescent girls with a camera are more offensively inappropriate and revealing than 100 pasty overweight northerners collectively grinding in a pool of each other's dead skin and bodily fluids to generic modern country music?

The whistle blew again and the grinding stopped as an army of younger, shorter, more innocent versions of the pool crowd splashed and hollered their way in.

We all slept well that night.