The day my black mama threatened to spank me: A most terrifying human interaction.

Most of my surrealistic tales of human interaction happen while I'm traveling, but this one happened one day during my lunch break about 5 minutes from my office.

For the sake of this post I am a 100lb business woman.

It was raining. It was 2007. I just wanted to pick up whatever I was there for and get on with my life (the only correct head space anyone should ever have while walking into a Wal-Mart).

Once inside I instinctively shook my umbrella. I felt a small amount of instant guilt since that is a rude thing to do, but felt better when I looked past the umbrella at the muddy footprints that covered the floor.

I turned around to walk inside and was greeted by a greeter, who, having observed my umbrella shaking antics was not in a very greeterly mood.

Sensing anger, I attempted to disarm her by brandishing a friendly smile:

Me: Hello, how are you.
Greeter: Uh uh! Turn around and get yourself an umbrella bag.
Me: Oh, sure, yes Ma'am. Sorry about that.
Greeter: You better make sure it doesn't happen again, or I'll give you a big ole' spankin' right here in front of all these people. 

I was terrified at this point and said the only words I could come up with.

Me: Um.... I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Illegal? I don't think it's illegal, that's just what came out of my mouth.

Greeter: Not for me it's not. I'm Your Black Mama!
Me: Oh... I did not know I had a black mama. It's nice to meet you.
My new black mama: Mmmmmhmm.

With that she turned on one heel and began to patronize, and presumably, threaten other customers with public humiliation.

I got what I came for and got on with my life.

I never saw my black mama again, which has always made me wonder if she was ever really there.