Take my picture, I've been magically teleported from a Russian Gulag camp to Disney World!

Through the mall I walked.

And walked. And walked.

The parking is worse than it should be for this time of year, which is fine; economy, tourist dollars, and other blah.

Last Friday I made an appointment for Wednesday of this week at the "Genius Bar". Carried a busted thunderbolt display in for repair, which is one of very few apple stamped products I will ever freely endorse (the other being their very overachieving for the price earbuds), but this one was busted.

While there I bumped into a "genius" who told me I looked familiar. Turns out he used to work in pro
audio and I was one of his regulars back in my music days/any time I needed something for the office. He looked completely different now, the ironic 1985 mohawk is gone (he's in his mid 20's), the damage of large gauge earrings remain in the form of floppy earholes, and he was clean shaven. It was good to see him, but he's not the first audio tech I know who's wound up pushing iPads at grandmas, and so I shed an imaginary tear for my fallen brother.

The appointment was fine, it was covered under the one year manufacturers warranty, so they kept the display and waited on parts to be delivered. Today I got an alert that it was ready for pickup, so off I went.

I checked in with the iPad guy who was way too happy to see me, then made my way to the back wall and waited.

I'm used to waiting there, but today was different in that while waiting I decided to people watch. I stood against the bar and observed the tourists of various origin snapping up gizmos that would cost much more in their home countries, the confused old ladies who were there for imaginary problems with their MacBooks, and iPads...

But I also noticed something a little off.

I couldn't quite place it at first, but after about 10 minutes I realized that what was wrong was the staff. There were too many employees! The more I looked, the more I saw. I had time, so I counted.

Forty Nine! Forty Nine employees! In a retail storefront!

There were about 70 or 80 people in the store in total, and over half of them were wearing branded apple t-shirts!

"This thing connects to the World Wide Web!"

I started to wonder why, but then I noticed, and became distracted with another problem. There were groups of employees standing together, chatting it up loudly, waving their arms in excitement, laughing, and "checking out" the products on the various tables throughout the store with no customers around!

Then I understood.

I have always noticed the loudness and business... the chaos of the Apple store, but I think that's by design. It looks like there are constantly tons of customers, but in reality, it's mostly staff. I also noticed that the only consistency of uniform are the branded shirts, and when I say branded I mean there is a 1 inch Apple logo above the left breast pocket area of the shirt, that's your only clue that you've found an employee. All other details, beards, clean shaven, long hair, short hair, glasses, dress pants, khaki's, jeans, shorts, tennis shoes, dress shoes, are all intentionally varied to give a sense that a hoppin' crowd is in the store at all times!

I hope this is intentional, because if not, it's downright sloppy, but the thought that this could have all been by design is terrifying.

I also noticed that each employee is smiling as much as possible. I don't just mean a friendly smile, I mean a take my picture, I've been magically teleported from a Russian Gulag Camp to Disney World! smile.

This is customer disarmament 101 taken to the extreme. The geniuses were joking, smiling, and occasionally touching the shoulders of the old confused ladies while they were "fixing" (which involved frantically searching for flow based solutions on iPads) the problems. If they can't fix it, they'll try to sell the poor sad customer on the newest, shiniest product.

It was disturbing to observe on many levels. I felt like a fly on the wall. In fact, I got the feeling that the distraction tactics serve as a distraction from the distraction tactics. I would have never noticed these things had I been quickly served and pushed out the door, but since I had the time and made a conscious decision to watch the machine, I saw.

It's not on. She thinks it's a mirror.

The worst part? I'm not mad or insulted. I'm impressed. Apple is slowly turning from a legitimate tech giant, into a pusher of knock-off products. It's becoming a parody of itself. The sensationalism that Apple fans are so well known for is being replaced by a fascia of blue t-shirts pretending to be customers and selling products to old ladies who just don't know any better. When the iPhone 6 came out I was there, at the door of the nearest AT&T store (not for myself, shut up) surrounded by you guessed it grannies. The wait was 20 minutes.

The fan boys are jumping ship, and rightfully so. They have been insulted.

They saw the commercials and they are here for their grand kids, and their grand kids will love their expensive new toys.

The worst part, they're ripping themselves off. The new MacBook (not the pro, the MacBook) looks like and has the specs of something a man in a trench coat would sell out of the trunk of a car. Is it a fine product? I don't know. Is it worth the projected price? Absolutely not. But as long as there are armies of young, hip looking millennials willing to pretend to be excited about things, they will sell.

Come on Apple, I used to love hating you and arguing the merits of buying your competitors products. I want to love hating you again, but you are making it too easy!

It's Friday?