Birthday Wax and Wood Chippers!

"Wax", Google does not know you mean this kind.

I turned 31 this weekend. I am now slightly more oxidized. It's interesting to look at aging as a yearly progression, when, in my experience at least, we go through several transformations over the course of a year. One year I grew a full beard out for No Shave November, but it was gone by my birthday in March, so if I were to look at pictures of those two consecutive birthdays I would not see myself with the glorious face monkey that I had for the better part of two months.

My wife and kids surprised me with some wonderful gifts. Not that I was surprised that they bought me gifts, or that they were wonderful. The surprise started last week when they couldn't wait to give me my gift, so they gave me what I thought was my only gift, which was wonderful. Then, yesterday morning they threw more gifts at me, which was the surprise. I used some of my gifts (an awesome all in one box Armorall car care kit and assorted cleaning cloths, sponges, and the like) to clean and detail my car yesterday morning, and if you drive a Prius, you should definitely wax it.

I'm serious, if you drive a Prius, you should wax it. I read in a few forums that giving a Prius a coat of wax actually improves MPGs by allowing it to enter/exit the space-time continuum or something like that. Ever the skeptic, I decided to give it a shot, so yesterday my kids and I washed and waxed the car. This morning on my drive to work I measured 4Ms Per G more than my average drive to the office. The weird part is that I arrived to work to find that the office is now run entirely by sentient keyboards. Weird, right?

The above paragraphs will really confuse the aliens...

I noticed something else on the drive in this morning. I've replaced concern over poor drivers with something a little more... sinister? There was a foolish driver jetting past myself and other, more cautious drivers in a red Infinity G37 two door coupe. Now fifteen years ago I would have been jealous of the car and it's ticket getting abilities, I was an adrenaline and testosterone fueled idiot just like all men are at some point. But this morning I found myself thinking "I wish he would have got into a wreck before passing me so that when he slips free of the wet roads in his stupid sports car he would have at least been behind me and not caused me any delay".

It's not that I'm not concerned about the other drivers on the road, I am, I hope he hurts no-one but himself. Does that make sense? I don't think it wrong to feel this way, but some might find issue with the whole "Get in a wreck already and get it over with" mentality. I think the only reason one might feel this way is that we all drive, and what kind of person would be indifferent about injuries sustained in a car crash?

The answer? This person. Me.

Look at it like this: If I saw a person push another person head first... You know what, let's add names to this...

If I saw Gunther, the tree trimming contractor run to the sidewalk and grab Margaret, a 78 year old granny along with Sammy, her matching aged (in dog years) poodle, drag them over behind his truck, and feed them both into his wood chipper, I would have a problem with that. I would be pretty upset at Gunther, and would hope horrible things befall him. Call it justice (prison/death penalty), or call it Karma (he slips and falls into the wood chipper feet first like a very messed up Looney Toones character), but either way I don't have sympathy for Gunther. He got what was coming to him.

This picture already existed apparently...

Now, apply that same logic to my friend in the G37. If he, Mathew McJerkface were to crash into a car with an old lady and her poodle, instantly killing them both, we would be upset with him, but only after the fact. Is it wrong to hope the inevitable end for that idiot, whether it be an injury free crash or a life altering crash happen before it delays my commute?

I guess what I'm saying is if he chooses to drive his G37 into a wood chipper, I'm not going to stop him, and I won't feel bad for him, but if it delays my drive to work or home I will write terrible things about him.

Take that, Aliens!